Sometimes when one lists things to praise God for, the reason is because they feel really happy and joyful and can't help but let the praises overflow to the written word visible to others. Other times, the reason is because one feels depressed and very unhappy and decides to list things to praise God for as a therapeutic exercise--a "yet I will praise the Lord, for He is good and has given me good things" proclamation, if you will.
This post, dear reader, is of the former category. I just feel so happy! I tend to be dramatic, so everything is either a crazy celebration or a battle to the death... and for the past few months, I've felt myself going through more fighting than dancing. (Neither is better than the other; they're different kinds of good.) So while I know there will be more "battles" in the future, I will savor this happiness and use its energy for this list of praises.
- Holy Father created me! Not only did He think about creating me, He did it. And now that He's done it, He hasn't rejected me or neglected me. On the contrary, He promises to help me, keep me, love me, like me, be with me... forever. All these next praises are because every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
- I have a job. One that won't end in a week or two. One that is with kind and interesting people. One where they like me and are glad to have me. Last week, I was worried about where I was going to find money because I couldn't bear to wash windows anymore (couldn't handle the 80% rejection) and busking was also close to becoming unbearable. In addition to that, I'd become spoiled by the job in the vineyard, where I worked with people--people with whom I could carry conversations through the whole day and actually start investing in relationships. Going back to windows and busking seemed lonely and fruitless. (Or should I say "grapeless"? Bad joke. Sorry.)
- I have friends. Whether I am able to hang out with you in person, over skype, or through facebook, I appreciate that you like me and that some of you even like me enough to want me to fight or dance harder, and that you exhibit this by encouraging or exhorting me. You know who you are (I think... do you??). Thank you.
- I went for an exercise excursion this evening. (I've ceased to call them "walks," "jogs," or "runs," because they usually involve all three to some extent.) At one point, I decided to run up a hill to a certain point. I knew it was going to be difficult, and that I was going to want to quit at 3/4 of the way up. So I said to myself, "Okay. It's not going to kill me. At the worst, I'll throw up and/or faint. If that happens, someone will find me eventually since I'm in a neighborhood. And that probably won't happen, anyway." I decided on where I'd start running and where I'd stop, and I did it with determination. A funny thing happened near the end: my legs actually went slower and slower. I didn't want them to, but they did! Every single step was a battle! I ended as soon as I was *maybe* at the decided finish line, and I was wheezing and coughing for the rest of the way up and down the hills towards home. It was quite uncomfortable. But I did it. And I didn't die. Or faint. Or throw up. I almost wanted to die, though. But I didn't do that, either. Instead, I proved that I was stronger than the momentary discomfort. (Heck yeah, I am.)
- As I stated before, these things are possible because (read carefully)....
Holy Spirit is with me. He promises to help me, to hold me, to cherish me, to train me, to guide me, to have relationship with me.
That reminds me: Relationship.
Sometimes, it seems like a relationship with God is viewed as one-way. Some see it as them talking to God as if listening to them is the only thing He wants to do. Others see it as them listening to God, as if talking to them is the only thing He wants to do. Both are mistaken. Because it's a relationship, being two-ways. See? YES, God likes to listen to you. YES, God likes to talk to you. He likes both! He likes the interaction that is in the nature of relationship. If He wanted you to be a drone, He would have made you a drone. But He didn't want a drone (and still doesn't). He wants a friend. A daughter/son. A lover. Someone with their own will. This has been blowing my mind for a while now. I hope it blows yours, too.
That's all. Thanks for reading!
P.S. I think my writing style is better when I'm slightly depressed. This post that I'm writing in a happy frame of mind is a bit scattered. Apologies.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
On Success
I went to the beach yesterday with a group of friends. It was beautiful! The day was mostly sunny with some big puffy clouds meandering across the sky, the breeze went between pleasantly playful to dramatically fierce, and the water... the water was a beautiful green from a distance and clear from up close. It was a bit bracingly cold at first, but once my body numbed to it, it was delightful.
The whole day was pleasant and I could tell you about everything that happened, but I'd rather focus your attention on one element.
While most people in our group were trying to catch waves with boogie boards, there were a few people who were trying to catch the waves with nothing but their bodies, called "body surfing." It looked so cool! So the second time I went in, I asked them to teach me how. It was harder than using a board, because it involved a lot of waiting and much more precise timing, but I found it more fun because of the extra challenge.
I missed most of the suitable waves. I could tell because I'd jump forward (towards the shore) right before the wave broke, then kick... but I'd feel the wave pass me and leave me where I'd jumped. I could always tell when I'd missed it.
The interesting thing, though, is that I couldn't tell when I'd caught one. It didn't feel like I was surging forward towards the shore, driven by the strength of the sea; on the contrary, it felt like chaos. Sand, water, and bubbles rushing at me from all directions, threatening to get up my nose and drown me. Really, there were a few times when I could have easily freaked out, not knowing which way was up or if my head was above or under water. But I always remembered something a good friend once told me: "If you're in a wave and you don't know which way is up, just relax; you'll float to the top eventually." So that's what I'd do.
After being blustered by all this chaos for a moment or two, I'd reach for the bottom with my feet and be surprised at how shallow the water was. I'd stand up and look around, and realize I was quite a few meters closer to the shore from where I'd been just moments ago. My instructor-friend would look at me with a huge smile on her face, and she'd say, "You did it! You caught a wave!"
So in the chaos, in the uncertainty, even in the fear of not knowing what was what, I'd been succeeding.
The whole day was pleasant and I could tell you about everything that happened, but I'd rather focus your attention on one element.
While most people in our group were trying to catch waves with boogie boards, there were a few people who were trying to catch the waves with nothing but their bodies, called "body surfing." It looked so cool! So the second time I went in, I asked them to teach me how. It was harder than using a board, because it involved a lot of waiting and much more precise timing, but I found it more fun because of the extra challenge.
I missed most of the suitable waves. I could tell because I'd jump forward (towards the shore) right before the wave broke, then kick... but I'd feel the wave pass me and leave me where I'd jumped. I could always tell when I'd missed it.
The interesting thing, though, is that I couldn't tell when I'd caught one. It didn't feel like I was surging forward towards the shore, driven by the strength of the sea; on the contrary, it felt like chaos. Sand, water, and bubbles rushing at me from all directions, threatening to get up my nose and drown me. Really, there were a few times when I could have easily freaked out, not knowing which way was up or if my head was above or under water. But I always remembered something a good friend once told me: "If you're in a wave and you don't know which way is up, just relax; you'll float to the top eventually." So that's what I'd do.
After being blustered by all this chaos for a moment or two, I'd reach for the bottom with my feet and be surprised at how shallow the water was. I'd stand up and look around, and realize I was quite a few meters closer to the shore from where I'd been just moments ago. My instructor-friend would look at me with a huge smile on her face, and she'd say, "You did it! You caught a wave!"
So in the chaos, in the uncertainty, even in the fear of not knowing what was what, I'd been succeeding.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
A Step
I've been here before, many times. The point of such pain and discomfort that I can no longer stand it. I fall on my knees and put my forehead to the floor. "Father!" I cry, "What am I to do? Help me! Help me!"
With such gentleness and tenderness that I don't recognize His actions, He leads me back to the place that we fell in love; the place where only He knows me, where He is the only One I see. Sometimes it's through talking with a friend, sometimes it's through a podcast, sometimes it's through music... He's creative and not limited to one thing.
We bask in each other's presence. He romances me and promises protection and faithfulness, and I praise and worship Him. "O, my One! My Savior! My Stability! My Strength!" Here, in this place, is an ocean of peace--a glory that I pant for. How else can I describe it? It reminds me of the eagerness with which I would meet my dad after he returned home from work trips. Only it's more.
Why does this have to happen again? Why can't I stay in this forever? I know He is with me always--why can't I know it as I know it right now?! Why do I reach the limits again and again, falling in the same place and over similar things? When will I get it?!
He answers me, with such gentleness that reaches with keen precision into my heart: "It's another step in the process. Sometimes the steps all look the same as the ones before them, as in a staircase. Though they look like they aren't changing, you're progressing up the staircase, higher and higher. Peace, young one. I see your progress; you just see the step in front of you."
With this calm assurance, I rest.
Good.
With such gentleness and tenderness that I don't recognize His actions, He leads me back to the place that we fell in love; the place where only He knows me, where He is the only One I see. Sometimes it's through talking with a friend, sometimes it's through a podcast, sometimes it's through music... He's creative and not limited to one thing.
We bask in each other's presence. He romances me and promises protection and faithfulness, and I praise and worship Him. "O, my One! My Savior! My Stability! My Strength!" Here, in this place, is an ocean of peace--a glory that I pant for. How else can I describe it? It reminds me of the eagerness with which I would meet my dad after he returned home from work trips. Only it's more.
Why does this have to happen again? Why can't I stay in this forever? I know He is with me always--why can't I know it as I know it right now?! Why do I reach the limits again and again, falling in the same place and over similar things? When will I get it?!
He answers me, with such gentleness that reaches with keen precision into my heart: "It's another step in the process. Sometimes the steps all look the same as the ones before them, as in a staircase. Though they look like they aren't changing, you're progressing up the staircase, higher and higher. Peace, young one. I see your progress; you just see the step in front of you."
With this calm assurance, I rest.
Good.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Year end rhetoric
When I close my eyes, I can easily place myself into a familiar surrounding of the past. The apartment that I recently lived in, the house I grew up in, favorite coffee shops, church rooms. As I, in my imagination, sit in a favorite chair the family room of my childhood home, I hear the tick-tocking of the coo-coo clock, the humming of the refrigerator, and the faint singing of birds in the trees outside the window. I can smell the familiar smell, feel the familiar dryness of the air-conditioning (for this is a quiet summer afternoon), and I feel the presences of my parents, who still reside there. It's peaceful.
But what's this new impression in the mix? Sadness? Discontentedness? Dissatisfaction with the known and established? How long has this feeling influenced the atmosphere? The thirst for something more, some new experience, wisdom and knowledge--hasn't it been building for some few years? Adventures were still to be had: I hadn't lived over twenty miles away from Fresno.
But here, I'm comfortable. This home, this fortress of protection and good memories; it's a sanctuary and a refuge. Rather, it used to be. In my memory, it still is.
How dangerous is it to retreat into memories, visions from the past? How steep of a slope is it to bask in the comfort of a cheery home of long ago? It is so easy to remember only the pleasantries. What of the dissatisfactions and irksome ambitions? Are they to be forgotten?
At this point, I could carefully drudge up the unpleasant things and feelings that occurred. I could carefully outline and state the things that annoyed me to no end or gave me grief, whether severe or simple. Perhaps that would be worthwhile--an exercise to remind me that the past is best left where it is, and that the present and future deserve all of my current attention.
But what of this contemplation? Is it useless? Am I wasting my time and language on an unimportant activity?Maybe this is a tribute to the past in another effort to make a truce with it. As you can see, the waves of consideration go back and forth, up and down, and it is easy to be swayed by them. Maybe I am not making sense anymore. I seem to have gotten lost in this dim fog. Of what was I speaking before? Oh yes. Visiting places lost in the past.
While I am not ready to say that contemplation of the past is to be totally rejected, my conclusion is that it can be dangerous. If I spent all my time imagining myself in places that I will never be able to return to, what happens to my present situation? If I dedicate my energy to remembering, what energy will be left to create and achieve in the present, and dream of the future? Yes; the past is important, but more so is the present. After all, there is glory in the future, not the past, and the process of growing and being pruned is a thing of the present.
Onward I look, with my face to the light before me. There will doubtless be darkness that will try to swallow me up, but it will fail. Jesus Christ is my Gain, Holy Spirit is my Guide. And Holy Father? He is as His name declares: my Father. Holy, huge, and loving. The Father of lights. What can stop me? Fearlessly I go on.
Year 2012, bring it on.
But what's this new impression in the mix? Sadness? Discontentedness? Dissatisfaction with the known and established? How long has this feeling influenced the atmosphere? The thirst for something more, some new experience, wisdom and knowledge--hasn't it been building for some few years? Adventures were still to be had: I hadn't lived over twenty miles away from Fresno.
But here, I'm comfortable. This home, this fortress of protection and good memories; it's a sanctuary and a refuge. Rather, it used to be. In my memory, it still is.
How dangerous is it to retreat into memories, visions from the past? How steep of a slope is it to bask in the comfort of a cheery home of long ago? It is so easy to remember only the pleasantries. What of the dissatisfactions and irksome ambitions? Are they to be forgotten?
At this point, I could carefully drudge up the unpleasant things and feelings that occurred. I could carefully outline and state the things that annoyed me to no end or gave me grief, whether severe or simple. Perhaps that would be worthwhile--an exercise to remind me that the past is best left where it is, and that the present and future deserve all of my current attention.
But what of this contemplation? Is it useless? Am I wasting my time and language on an unimportant activity?Maybe this is a tribute to the past in another effort to make a truce with it. As you can see, the waves of consideration go back and forth, up and down, and it is easy to be swayed by them. Maybe I am not making sense anymore. I seem to have gotten lost in this dim fog. Of what was I speaking before? Oh yes. Visiting places lost in the past.
While I am not ready to say that contemplation of the past is to be totally rejected, my conclusion is that it can be dangerous. If I spent all my time imagining myself in places that I will never be able to return to, what happens to my present situation? If I dedicate my energy to remembering, what energy will be left to create and achieve in the present, and dream of the future? Yes; the past is important, but more so is the present. After all, there is glory in the future, not the past, and the process of growing and being pruned is a thing of the present.
Onward I look, with my face to the light before me. There will doubtless be darkness that will try to swallow me up, but it will fail. Jesus Christ is my Gain, Holy Spirit is my Guide. And Holy Father? He is as His name declares: my Father. Holy, huge, and loving. The Father of lights. What can stop me? Fearlessly I go on.
Year 2012, bring it on.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
'Tis the Season! (Does that phrase make you cringe, too?)
Dear friends,
Today is one of those cloudy and dark days where it's hard to not be gloomy by the end of it. But I guess it's okay, because it's been a bit difficult to get into the "Christmas spirit," though it hasn't been from a lack of trying. This past weekend, I went to two Christmas productions, shopped in a mall (which was decorated and had Christmas music playing), and drove down a few streets with houses draped with twinkle-lights. The weather has even been trying to help me out. The day we celebrated Thanksgiving (no, it isn't usually celebrated here), it rained all day. That was nice! And for the past few days, it's been cloudy and rainy. Soon we'll get a Christmas tree and I'll probably stop being weirded out with the warmer weather. And if I'm not, oh well.
The end.
Today is one of those cloudy and dark days where it's hard to not be gloomy by the end of it. But I guess it's okay, because it's been a bit difficult to get into the "Christmas spirit," though it hasn't been from a lack of trying. This past weekend, I went to two Christmas productions, shopped in a mall (which was decorated and had Christmas music playing), and drove down a few streets with houses draped with twinkle-lights. The weather has even been trying to help me out. The day we celebrated Thanksgiving (no, it isn't usually celebrated here), it rained all day. That was nice! And for the past few days, it's been cloudy and rainy. Soon we'll get a Christmas tree and I'll probably stop being weirded out with the warmer weather. And if I'm not, oh well.
The end.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
And the sun rises...
Hello friends!
The last entry to this blog wasn't pleasant, but this one is! :)
Since the last post, I've met new friends (YAY!), started busking (being a street musician), and washing windows (today was my first day at windows). These are all very cool things, and they're connected to each other. I'll tell you how: meeting friendly people my age boosted my confidence to go busking (as well as encouragement from facebook friends... you all rock). The first day, I earned $50 in three hours. That boosted my confidence to go window washing today. I did one job. The owner was a nice old man who seemed like he wanted some company, so when I was done with the windows I had some tea with him. At the end of it (about 2.5 hours, including the job), he handed me a $50 and didn't want change. Woohoo! I was so glad that I just went straight home and called windows good. Then I cleaned up and went busking for two more hours, earning $40. Not bad, not bad.
Anyway, my whistle is clearer and my voice is singing more. There's a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. I'm excited for life and SO excited to see what comes around.
Speaking of excited for life, I'd like to share one thing with you that kinda blew my mind: Enjoy what you do. I think it's probably possible. Vacuuming, washing windows, playing music on the street, helping people out at a counter... I don't know. But whatever you do, if you decide to enjoy it, you might start to. And then everything is much more pleasant.
There you go. Time for evening tea!
Peace,
Sarah
The last entry to this blog wasn't pleasant, but this one is! :)
Since the last post, I've met new friends (YAY!), started busking (being a street musician), and washing windows (today was my first day at windows). These are all very cool things, and they're connected to each other. I'll tell you how: meeting friendly people my age boosted my confidence to go busking (as well as encouragement from facebook friends... you all rock). The first day, I earned $50 in three hours. That boosted my confidence to go window washing today. I did one job. The owner was a nice old man who seemed like he wanted some company, so when I was done with the windows I had some tea with him. At the end of it (about 2.5 hours, including the job), he handed me a $50 and didn't want change. Woohoo! I was so glad that I just went straight home and called windows good. Then I cleaned up and went busking for two more hours, earning $40. Not bad, not bad.
Anyway, my whistle is clearer and my voice is singing more. There's a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye. I'm excited for life and SO excited to see what comes around.
Speaking of excited for life, I'd like to share one thing with you that kinda blew my mind: Enjoy what you do. I think it's probably possible. Vacuuming, washing windows, playing music on the street, helping people out at a counter... I don't know. But whatever you do, if you decide to enjoy it, you might start to. And then everything is much more pleasant.
There you go. Time for evening tea!
Peace,
Sarah
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A disappointment in the midst of discomfort
Dear friends,
This wouldn't be an honest blog if I only posted when I was feeling happy or when I've just gotten good news. It wouldn't even be interesting if I restricted it to light and cheery things. Today I was disappointed, and while I express it as a form of therapy through this post, you might find it interesting, as well.
After barn-sitting for a week, my boss gave me a few days off. It's been really nice, because on the day of their return, I was really fed up and tired out by the job and just wanted a break. So for the past three days, I've basically been resting. It's been so nice!
Today, my boss called and apologized for being "out of touch" for the past few days, and that there's a change. My confidence with the horses leaves stuff to be desired, and there's another girl (with much more experience than I have) that they'd rather take on. Why pay two people to do a job that one can easily do? I'm really good at most of the job, but unless I can do all of it, I'm not the best candidate. My boss said that she does have work for me for a while, though: helping her with gardening. I don't mind gardening, by any means, and I'd actually prefer not having to go through the stress of trying desperately to be confident with the horses, so while it's a disappointment, it isn't all bad, and there's a relief in it, as well. The fact that they want to keep me on means they see that I have a good work ethic and that I'm a nice person to be around, so I know that it isn't that they don't like me, it's simply that I don't have enough qualifications to do the job they originally hired me for.
Lately, I've been working on not taking things personally. Them saying that I'm not confident enough with the horses doesn't mean I'm any less of a person. (Easy to say... why is it hard to believe sometimes?!) It's interesting, really interesting what things are exposed as what I thought were foundational to who I am, that really aren't. Yes, I like horses. No, I'm not completely comfortable with them. And it seems like every time I experience something like this--a letdown--it's even harder to be comfortable and confident with them. It's as if I believe what the other people say more than what I believe my own ability is. Do I even believe I have that ability? Or that I can train it up? I'm not sure if I have a pleasant answer to those questions.
After the call, I started thinking about confidence. How can someone have it? It seems to be something that's built up, over time and through experience. Okay... so if I want to be confident with horses, how do I go about that? Well, if I don't find myself succeeding at the level I am currently in and there isn't much hope of progress, perhaps I should go back down to a level that I've mastered to build the confidence back up again. Until some shred of confidence comes back, the best thing to do is to be honest about where I'm at; no use pretending! Avoiding jobs that require confidence in certain things is probably a good idea. Instead of saying I'm qualified with the hope I'm confident with horses or the hope that I'm good at multitasking (like at another job that didn't work out), being honest about my capabilities and going after what I'm already confident in is probably the best way to go.
But what if the things I'm confident in aren't things I can earn money with? The things that come to mind immediately are playing ukulele and knitting. How can I make money with those? Neither really drip of lucrative opportunity, do they?
At this point, the easiest thing to roll off the tip of my tongue is, "Well, Father's brought me this far, He'll take me the rest of the way!" But now there's a catch. He's been stressing that this is relationship, not a dictatorship. Yes, He's the One with all the power, and if it weren't for Him nothing would exist--I'm not saying anything otherwise. But He decided to have relationship with me. That means the road goes both ways, that we are two individuals and I'm allowed (encouraged!) to have my own opinions and ideas and dreams, and I share them with Him as He shares His with me. So... while it's much easier to remain indecisive and let others (or circumstances) rule out options for me until the decision is less complicated, I feel the need to actually stand on my own two feet and think about what I want.
That's hard. Because going after what I want means I might fail. Going after what I want means I might be wrong. Going after what I want means I can't blame anything on anyone else. It's scary enough to make me shrink back and pretend none of these thoughts ever happened. But change can't happen until I'm too uncomfortable with things the way they are that I'll be willing to shift things.
It was overwhelming today. But it might not be tomorrow, and it definitely won't be in a month (maybe less!). So I have hope, don't worry. I do know God's got me, and a plant that needs to grow in a better way needs to be pruned back viciously. (Mary found that out when she went over a young tree with a lawnmower. It had been struggling to grow before the accident, but then shot up afterwards.) I am a very uncomfortable, bewildered, and tired individual, who feels very far from home and far from the me I know. But I do know there's hope. I know there is.
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate the feedback!! May peace and hope give you rest, wherever you are,
Sarah
This wouldn't be an honest blog if I only posted when I was feeling happy or when I've just gotten good news. It wouldn't even be interesting if I restricted it to light and cheery things. Today I was disappointed, and while I express it as a form of therapy through this post, you might find it interesting, as well.
After barn-sitting for a week, my boss gave me a few days off. It's been really nice, because on the day of their return, I was really fed up and tired out by the job and just wanted a break. So for the past three days, I've basically been resting. It's been so nice!
Today, my boss called and apologized for being "out of touch" for the past few days, and that there's a change. My confidence with the horses leaves stuff to be desired, and there's another girl (with much more experience than I have) that they'd rather take on. Why pay two people to do a job that one can easily do? I'm really good at most of the job, but unless I can do all of it, I'm not the best candidate. My boss said that she does have work for me for a while, though: helping her with gardening. I don't mind gardening, by any means, and I'd actually prefer not having to go through the stress of trying desperately to be confident with the horses, so while it's a disappointment, it isn't all bad, and there's a relief in it, as well. The fact that they want to keep me on means they see that I have a good work ethic and that I'm a nice person to be around, so I know that it isn't that they don't like me, it's simply that I don't have enough qualifications to do the job they originally hired me for.
Lately, I've been working on not taking things personally. Them saying that I'm not confident enough with the horses doesn't mean I'm any less of a person. (Easy to say... why is it hard to believe sometimes?!) It's interesting, really interesting what things are exposed as what I thought were foundational to who I am, that really aren't. Yes, I like horses. No, I'm not completely comfortable with them. And it seems like every time I experience something like this--a letdown--it's even harder to be comfortable and confident with them. It's as if I believe what the other people say more than what I believe my own ability is. Do I even believe I have that ability? Or that I can train it up? I'm not sure if I have a pleasant answer to those questions.
After the call, I started thinking about confidence. How can someone have it? It seems to be something that's built up, over time and through experience. Okay... so if I want to be confident with horses, how do I go about that? Well, if I don't find myself succeeding at the level I am currently in and there isn't much hope of progress, perhaps I should go back down to a level that I've mastered to build the confidence back up again. Until some shred of confidence comes back, the best thing to do is to be honest about where I'm at; no use pretending! Avoiding jobs that require confidence in certain things is probably a good idea. Instead of saying I'm qualified with the hope I'm confident with horses or the hope that I'm good at multitasking (like at another job that didn't work out), being honest about my capabilities and going after what I'm already confident in is probably the best way to go.
But what if the things I'm confident in aren't things I can earn money with? The things that come to mind immediately are playing ukulele and knitting. How can I make money with those? Neither really drip of lucrative opportunity, do they?
At this point, the easiest thing to roll off the tip of my tongue is, "Well, Father's brought me this far, He'll take me the rest of the way!" But now there's a catch. He's been stressing that this is relationship, not a dictatorship. Yes, He's the One with all the power, and if it weren't for Him nothing would exist--I'm not saying anything otherwise. But He decided to have relationship with me. That means the road goes both ways, that we are two individuals and I'm allowed (encouraged!) to have my own opinions and ideas and dreams, and I share them with Him as He shares His with me. So... while it's much easier to remain indecisive and let others (or circumstances) rule out options for me until the decision is less complicated, I feel the need to actually stand on my own two feet and think about what I want.
That's hard. Because going after what I want means I might fail. Going after what I want means I might be wrong. Going after what I want means I can't blame anything on anyone else. It's scary enough to make me shrink back and pretend none of these thoughts ever happened. But change can't happen until I'm too uncomfortable with things the way they are that I'll be willing to shift things.
It was overwhelming today. But it might not be tomorrow, and it definitely won't be in a month (maybe less!). So I have hope, don't worry. I do know God's got me, and a plant that needs to grow in a better way needs to be pruned back viciously. (Mary found that out when she went over a young tree with a lawnmower. It had been struggling to grow before the accident, but then shot up afterwards.) I am a very uncomfortable, bewildered, and tired individual, who feels very far from home and far from the me I know. But I do know there's hope. I know there is.
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate the feedback!! May peace and hope give you rest, wherever you are,
Sarah
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