What the heck am I supposed to title this as?!

Today was one of those days that I realized I'm an adult. I'll tell you about it.

This is the first autumn I've experienced since the first one after my mom died. I hadn't expected this, but there are a lot of emotions tied up in seeing leaves changing color, breathing in the crispness (yes, even in San Deigo... sometimes), and hearing early Christmas music. The holidays are a very emotional time, really. Most of the emotions that are publicized are positive, like happiness, thankfulness, and contentedness, but for me (and for many), the holidays bring up less-light emotions, like sadness. (Side note: If I or anyone else ever seems cold to you or like we don't share in your happiness, please don't take offense and have patience with us. We're coping.)

Okay, okay. Everyone knows that the holidays can be hard and horrible. The point of this post is not to educate you on an already known phenomenon; it's for me to tell you about my day. Apologies. I will now get back to the topic.

For the past few days, I've been feeling down. Over the past two and a half months, I've figured out a few of my signs of grief, and I've been experiencing them: Less cheery, more easily overwhelmed, need everything to be perfect and perfectly controlled (by me), and the sensation of hunger is a comfort. The results are that I've been quite stressed and losing weight (which I don't really mind at all). Working five busy nine hour shifts this week didn't really help me relax, so when I finally arrived to today, I felt as I would imagine an Olympian would feel having just finished preliminary race. (Okay, that might be a bit dramatic. But you get what I mean.)

It always takes a while for me to let things go and chill out. One day isn't usually enough time. I enjoy two days off together, because during the first day, I can procrastinate. (I love procrastinating. It makes me feel powerful, free, and in control.) The second day, I've rested up enough that I have the energy and motivation to everything done. So I woke up concerned that I wouldn't be able to relax by the end of the day, which added to my stress load. (Oh bother.)

BUT. I did laundry, washed my sheets, cleaned my room, and fed myself (though I can't remember what I ate), then forced myself to take a nap. And I slept. Not very deeply and not for more than two hours, but it helped me rest. Then I decided to pack up my messenger bag with my journal and Bible, and headed to Panera. (I walked, because my scooter is still in the shop. My goodness, I'll be so happy to have that back!)

(I feel like I'm rambling a lot. It's been happening lately. Even in person. Oh well. This is just how I can communicate right now, I guess.)

Anyway... I sat at Panera for a while. I ate, journaled, and rediscovered Isaiah 30. (So good.) Feeling a bit more refreshed, I called a dear mother-figure friend and chatted my way to Target, where I realized I'm an adult. (FINALLY! Shew, I've taken a roundabout way to get to this point.)

I realized that I don't have any Christmas decorations--nice, lasting decorations--that I've purchased for myself, for my home. I've relied on family decorations or handmedowns, and those just won't do anymore. I have a home, and I get to decorate it however I want. (Yes, even before Thanksgiving.) Oh, and this is the first year that I've actually had a job that pays enough to live on, so I felt content and justified in splurging.

I ended up getting lights and a snow globe. And once I find the perfect things, Charlie the Blue Betta Fish is going to have a white plant and white pearls in his bowl. (It will set off his fins beautifully.) I also got slippers (which will hopefully help my knees adjust to use again every morning). And Dove chocolates. And new shoes for work.

See? I'm an adult. I spent hard earned money on myself and my home. The time for waiting for a home of my own is over--because I have it. Granted,  I expected to have a home with a husband by this age, but what the heck. I get to do everything exactly the way I want, and in this control-freak mood I've been in lately, I'm enjoying it.

May your nose be red with cold and your eyes behold colorful leaves. Also, may your pain be turned to strength and your hopes be turn to realities. Hang in there, everyone. This is not the end.

Peace,
Sarah