Dancing

Sometimes when one lists things to praise God for, the reason is because they feel really happy and joyful and can't help but let the praises overflow to the written word visible to others. Other times, the reason is because one feels depressed and very unhappy and decides to list things to praise God for as a therapeutic exercise--a "yet I will praise the Lord, for He is good and has given me good things" proclamation, if you will.

This post, dear reader, is of the former category. I just feel so happy! I tend to be dramatic, so everything is either a crazy celebration or a battle to the death... and for the past few months, I've felt myself going through more fighting than dancing. (Neither is better than the other; they're different kinds of good.) So while I know there will be more "battles" in the future, I will savor this happiness and use its energy for this list of praises.

- Holy Father created me! Not only did He think about creating me, He did it. And now that He's done it, He hasn't rejected me or neglected me. On the contrary, He promises to help me, keep me, love me, like me, be with me... forever. All these next praises are because every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
- I have a job. One that won't end in a week or two. One that is with kind and interesting people. One where they like me and are glad to have me. Last week, I was worried about where I was going to find money because I couldn't bear to wash windows anymore (couldn't handle the 80% rejection) and busking was also close to becoming unbearable. In addition to that, I'd become spoiled by the job in the vineyard, where I worked with people--people with whom I could carry conversations through the whole day and actually start investing in relationships. Going back to windows and busking seemed lonely and fruitless. (Or should I say "grapeless"? Bad joke. Sorry.)
- I have friends. Whether I am able to hang out with you in person, over skype, or through facebook, I appreciate that you like me and that some of you even like me enough to want me to fight or dance harder, and that you exhibit this by encouraging or exhorting me. You know who you are (I think... do you??). Thank you.
- I went for an exercise excursion this evening. (I've ceased to call them "walks," "jogs," or "runs," because they usually involve all three to some extent.) At one point, I decided to run up a hill to a certain point. I knew it was going to be difficult, and that I was going to want to quit at 3/4 of the way up. So I said to myself, "Okay. It's not going to kill me. At the worst, I'll throw up and/or faint. If that happens, someone will find me eventually since I'm in a neighborhood. And that probably won't happen, anyway." I decided on where I'd start running and where I'd stop, and I did it with determination. A funny thing happened near the end: my legs actually went slower and slower. I didn't want them to, but they did! Every single step was a battle! I ended as soon as I was *maybe* at the decided finish line, and I was wheezing and coughing for the rest of the way up and down the hills towards home. It was quite uncomfortable. But I did it. And I didn't die. Or faint. Or throw up. I almost wanted to die, though. But I didn't do that, either. Instead, I proved that I was stronger than the momentary discomfort. (Heck yeah, I am.)
- As I stated before, these things are possible because (read carefully)....

Holy Spirit is with me. He promises to help me, to hold me, to cherish me, to train me, to guide me, to have relationship with me.


That reminds me: Relationship.

Sometimes, it seems like a relationship with God is viewed as one-way. Some see it as them talking to God as if listening to them is the only thing He wants to do. Others see it as them listening to God, as if talking to them is the only thing He wants to do. Both are mistaken. Because it's a relationship, being two-ways. See? YES, God likes to listen to you. YES, God likes to talk to you. He likes both! He likes the interaction that is in the nature of relationship. If He wanted you to be a drone, He would have made you a drone. But He didn't want a drone (and still doesn't). He wants a friend. A daughter/son. A lover. Someone with their own will. This has been blowing my mind for a while now. I hope it blows yours, too.

That's all. Thanks for reading!

P.S. I think my writing style is better when I'm slightly depressed. This post that I'm writing in a happy frame of mind is a bit scattered. Apologies.

On Success

I went to the beach yesterday with a group of friends. It was beautiful! The day was mostly sunny with some big puffy clouds meandering across the sky, the breeze went between pleasantly playful to dramatically fierce, and the water... the water was a beautiful green from a distance and clear from up close. It was a bit bracingly cold at first, but once my body numbed to it, it was delightful.

The whole day was pleasant and I could tell you about everything that happened, but I'd rather focus your attention on one element.

While most people in our group were trying to catch waves with boogie boards, there were a few people who were trying to catch the waves with nothing but their bodies, called "body surfing." It looked so cool! So the second time I went in, I asked them to teach me how. It was harder than using a board, because it involved a lot of waiting and much more precise timing, but I found it more fun because of the extra challenge.

I missed most of the suitable waves. I could tell because I'd jump forward (towards the shore) right before the wave broke, then kick... but I'd feel the wave pass me and leave me where I'd jumped. I could always tell when I'd missed it.

The interesting thing, though, is that I couldn't tell when I'd caught one. It didn't feel like I was surging forward towards the shore, driven by the strength of the sea; on the contrary, it felt like chaos. Sand, water, and bubbles rushing at me from all directions, threatening to get up my nose and drown me. Really, there were a few times when I could have easily freaked out, not knowing which way was up or if my head was above or under water. But I always remembered something a good friend once told me: "If you're in a wave and you don't know which way is up, just relax; you'll float to the top eventually." So that's what I'd do.

After being blustered by all this chaos for a moment or two, I'd reach for the bottom with my feet and be surprised at how shallow the water was. I'd stand up and look around, and realize I was quite a few meters closer to the shore from where I'd been just moments ago. My instructor-friend would look at me with a huge smile on her face, and she'd say, "You did it! You caught a wave!"

So in the chaos, in the uncertainty, even in the fear of not knowing what was what, I'd been succeeding.

A Step

I've been here before, many times. The point of such pain and discomfort that I can no longer stand it. I fall on my knees and put my forehead to the floor. "Father!" I cry, "What am I to do? Help me! Help me!"


With such gentleness and tenderness that I don't recognize His actions, He leads me back to the place that we fell in love; the place where only He knows me, where He is the only One I see. Sometimes it's through talking with a friend, sometimes it's through a podcast, sometimes it's through music... He's creative and not limited to one thing.

We bask in each other's presence. He romances me and promises protection and faithfulness, and I praise and worship Him. "O, my One! My Savior! My Stability! My Strength!" Here, in this place, is an ocean of peace--a glory that I pant for. How else can I describe it? It reminds me of the eagerness with which I would meet my dad after he returned home from work trips. Only it's more.

Why does this have to happen again? Why can't I stay in this forever? I know He is with me always--why can't I know it as I know it right now?! Why do I reach the limits again and again, falling in the same place and over similar things? When will I get it?!

He answers me, with such gentleness that reaches with keen precision into my heart: "It's another step in the process. Sometimes the steps all look the same as the ones before them, as in a staircase. Though they look like they aren't changing, you're progressing up the staircase, higher and higher. Peace, young one. I see your progress; you just see the step in front of you."


With this calm assurance, I rest.

Good.