Dear friends,
This wouldn't be an honest blog if I only posted when I was feeling happy or when I've just gotten good news. It wouldn't even be interesting if I restricted it to light and cheery things. Today I was disappointed, and while I express it as a form of therapy through this post, you might find it interesting, as well.
After barn-sitting for a week, my boss gave me a few days off. It's been really nice, because on the day of their return, I was really fed up and tired out by the job and just wanted a break. So for the past three days, I've basically been resting. It's been so nice!
Today, my boss called and apologized for being "out of touch" for the past few days, and that there's a change. My confidence with the horses leaves stuff to be desired, and there's another girl (with much more experience than I have) that they'd rather take on. Why pay two people to do a job that one can easily do? I'm really good at most of the job, but unless I can do all of it, I'm not the best candidate. My boss said that she does have work for me for a while, though: helping her with gardening. I don't mind gardening, by any means, and I'd actually prefer not having to go through the stress of trying desperately to be confident with the horses, so while it's a disappointment, it isn't all bad, and there's a relief in it, as well. The fact that they want to keep me on means they see that I have a good work ethic and that I'm a nice person to be around, so I know that it isn't that they don't like me, it's simply that I don't have enough qualifications to do the job they originally hired me for.
Lately, I've been working on not taking things personally. Them saying that I'm not confident enough with the horses doesn't mean I'm any less of a person. (Easy to say... why is it hard to believe sometimes?!) It's interesting, really interesting what things are exposed as what I thought were foundational to who I am, that really aren't. Yes, I like horses. No, I'm not completely comfortable with them. And it seems like every time I experience something like this--a letdown--it's even harder to be comfortable and confident with them. It's as if I believe what the other people say more than what I believe my own ability is. Do I even believe I have that ability? Or that I can train it up? I'm not sure if I have a pleasant answer to those questions.
After the call, I started thinking about confidence. How can someone have it? It seems to be something that's built up, over time and through experience. Okay... so if I want to be confident with horses, how do I go about that? Well, if I don't find myself succeeding at the level I am currently in and there isn't much hope of progress, perhaps I should go back down to a level that I've mastered to build the confidence back up again. Until some shred of confidence comes back, the best thing to do is to be honest about where I'm at; no use pretending! Avoiding jobs that require confidence in certain things is probably a good idea. Instead of saying I'm qualified with the hope I'm confident with horses or the hope that I'm good at multitasking (like at another job that didn't work out), being honest about my capabilities and going after what I'm already confident in is probably the best way to go.
But what if the things I'm confident in aren't things I can earn money with? The things that come to mind immediately are playing ukulele and knitting. How can I make money with those? Neither really drip of lucrative opportunity, do they?
At this point, the easiest thing to roll off the tip of my tongue is, "Well, Father's brought me this far, He'll take me the rest of the way!" But now there's a catch. He's been stressing that this is relationship, not a dictatorship. Yes, He's the One with all the power, and if it weren't for Him nothing would exist--I'm not saying anything otherwise. But He decided to have relationship with me. That means the road goes both ways, that we are two individuals and I'm allowed (encouraged!) to have my own opinions and ideas and dreams, and I share them with Him as He shares His with me. So... while it's much easier to remain indecisive and let others (or circumstances) rule out options for me until the decision is less complicated, I feel the need to actually stand on my own two feet and think about what I want.
That's hard. Because going after what I want means I might fail. Going after what I want means I might be wrong. Going after what I want means I can't blame anything on anyone else. It's scary enough to make me shrink back and pretend none of these thoughts ever happened. But change can't happen until I'm too uncomfortable with things the way they are that I'll be willing to shift things.
It was overwhelming today. But it might not be tomorrow, and it definitely won't be in a month (maybe less!). So I have hope, don't worry. I do know God's got me, and a plant that needs to grow in a better way needs to be pruned back viciously. (Mary found that out when she went over a young tree with a lawnmower. It had been struggling to grow before the accident, but then shot up afterwards.) I am a very uncomfortable, bewildered, and tired individual, who feels very far from home and far from the me I know. But I do know there's hope. I know there is.
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate the feedback!! May peace and hope give you rest, wherever you are,
Sarah
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